leaving is such a frightening thought.
and thats what i just realise during the eldds elections stage interview today.
when i was guarding the door and looking at my beloved juniors going up one by one to go through the stage interview for elections,
i started having this feeling of nostalgic and nausea.
which was more i couldnt differentiate.
then i had this blur vision of myself walking up stage when i was a few years younger right infront of the entire sec four and the rest of ld,
and answering all the questions to prove my worth and convince the people why i should be in the comm.
it was bloody nerve wrecking,
the part about walking up stage with thousands of eyes staring at you and answering all those questions and hoping you dont fuck it up too badly.
but strangely enough,
i felt happy.
i felt happy and beaming with pride and this strong undying passion for ld when i walked up,
and that sort of helped soothe my nerves a little.
and thats how i go through stage interviews year by year,
walking up stage and feeling this strong feeling of love and passion for ld,
like im ready to go up and confess to the entire world that i love ld with all my heart and soul.
and somehow im standing at this position,
looking at all my juniors going up stage one by one,
just like how i did before.
and i see myself through their eyes,
how the sec fours are leaving,
and handing over the entire ld to them.
for them to create more miracles in the future,
like how our seniors once did,
and how we did.
and then i feel this pang of reluctance to leave.
and i find myself desperately clinging onto my cca of four years,
and my school of ten years.
and then i had this flashback of myself four years ago,
studying for my psle.
i was determined to get into stnicks secondary from stnicks primary,
and i was obsessedly in love with the school.
and one two months before my psle,
i locked myself in my room everyday just to study.
and i refused to allow myself out to play,
all because i want to come back into the school.
and i made it.
i came back,
through sheer hardwork and sweat.
and i had this other flashback of myself at sec one cca auditions.
i was so afraid of fucking my entire audition up,
and i remember the fear, agony, tears and the crazy desire to get into ld.
and i got in,
and i had never before been so happy in my life to be accepted into something.
and then i had this flashback of myself buying my first orange bowl in primary one,
and i was so afraid of toppling the bowl over.
and then i had this flashback of myself with all my friends in school,
and i felt like dying when i realise we're gonna be separated so soon.
and standing right there looking at my entire school life flash back before my eyes,
a huge wave of nostalgia overwhelmed me and i was just thinking,
how fast time can run before we even noticed its there.
and thats when i just realised how much im gonna miss all these things that we call "shit" and never once gave much of a damn about.
because cliche as it sounds,
the fact will always remain true that
its only until you're about to lose or lost something, then you'll finally realise how much it actually means to you.
and thats what i just realise during the eldds elections stage interview today.
when i was guarding the door and looking at my beloved juniors going up one by one to go through the stage interview for elections,
i started having this feeling of nostalgic and nausea.
which was more i couldnt differentiate.
then i had this blur vision of myself walking up stage when i was a few years younger right infront of the entire sec four and the rest of ld,
and answering all the questions to prove my worth and convince the people why i should be in the comm.
it was bloody nerve wrecking,
the part about walking up stage with thousands of eyes staring at you and answering all those questions and hoping you dont fuck it up too badly.
but strangely enough,
i felt happy.
i felt happy and beaming with pride and this strong undying passion for ld when i walked up,
and that sort of helped soothe my nerves a little.
and thats how i go through stage interviews year by year,
walking up stage and feeling this strong feeling of love and passion for ld,
like im ready to go up and confess to the entire world that i love ld with all my heart and soul.
and somehow im standing at this position,
looking at all my juniors going up stage one by one,
just like how i did before.
and i see myself through their eyes,
how the sec fours are leaving,
and handing over the entire ld to them.
for them to create more miracles in the future,
like how our seniors once did,
and how we did.
and then i feel this pang of reluctance to leave.
and i find myself desperately clinging onto my cca of four years,
and my school of ten years.
and then i had this flashback of myself four years ago,
studying for my psle.
i was determined to get into stnicks secondary from stnicks primary,
and i was obsessedly in love with the school.
and one two months before my psle,
i locked myself in my room everyday just to study.
and i refused to allow myself out to play,
all because i want to come back into the school.
and i made it.
i came back,
through sheer hardwork and sweat.
and i had this other flashback of myself at sec one cca auditions.
i was so afraid of fucking my entire audition up,
and i remember the fear, agony, tears and the crazy desire to get into ld.
and i got in,
and i had never before been so happy in my life to be accepted into something.
and then i had this flashback of myself buying my first orange bowl in primary one,
and i was so afraid of toppling the bowl over.
and then i had this flashback of myself with all my friends in school,
and i felt like dying when i realise we're gonna be separated so soon.
and standing right there looking at my entire school life flash back before my eyes,
a huge wave of nostalgia overwhelmed me and i was just thinking,
how fast time can run before we even noticed its there.
and thats when i just realised how much im gonna miss all these things that we call "shit" and never once gave much of a damn about.
because cliche as it sounds,
the fact will always remain true that
its only until you're about to lose or lost something, then you'll finally realise how much it actually means to you.
posted by eliza at 9:11 AM
6 Comments:
"its only until you're about to lose or lost something, then you'll finally realise how much it actually means to you."
And that is so so so true babe.
Love you, as always (:
i see an irritant. haha.
hey, thanks a lot for the post. i love you too, and this is shit mushy, i swear. (:
Hello there, once again. I would like to say a few things, and I hope you will understand the points that I am going to bring across.
Firstly, yes I do agree that when we are leaving a certain stage do we then feel the overwhelming feeling of nostaligia, and we start reminsicing the past, but this is life, and life moves on. From what I have read, you are really, really reluctant to leave your passion, this CCA of yours, ELDDS. I am so proud of you that you can hold such great amount of passion in your CCA, and that you can't bear to leave it when it is actually time. Seriously, I felt touched when you said it. And if I were you, I would feel the exact same way.
But like this All American Rejects song, 'Move Along', it goes
"When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through"
On a lighter note after all that so called preaching, (haha), you can check out my blog because I just had it updated. I've sent the url to you by email because I'm actually quite shy about strangers reading it.
By the way, today I went to drink a cup of milo dinosaur after my art lesson (I teach art in a main-stream school), I was thinking about you and your earlier post. I hope that however emotional (or as youngsters call it, 'emo') you feel at a point of time, that when you feel like screaming & shouting, kneeling & begging to God to tell him to take away all the pain, drinking, "dating & loving" your milo dinosaur will help. Especially the one at, you say, Uncle Mobeen's?
I'm staring at this little yellow panda bear that this special friend of mine gave to me right now, and I can't help but reminisce the past too. And because it's a panda bear, it has large, jet-black eyebags around its eyes and I'm reminded of my own eyebags, which alarms me because I know sleeping at 2am every night will cause breakouts and eyebags. Although I will still be loved by my friends even though how pimply and eye-baggish I will get, I want to look my best around them because they, after all, are my beloved, dearest, friends.
Secondary 4 life is really hard to cope. If only you return home earlier in the nights, you would be able to start work earlier and then you won't be like me or the panda bears, sleeping so late in the nights.
Talking about sleep, I think I'm going to "knock-out" soon! Mixing with young teenagers like you and my art class students just make me young again. "Yo! Me da knocking out now at the 11 hour! Chill out and peace out manxx. 8181."
So tell me, aren't I da coolest?
i love english.
i like the song 'after all this time' by simon webbe. not suitable for you but quite for me. ahaha, i'm bored. love.
eliza...i can totally assure u that ld and st nicks will miss you and the other sec 4s as much as u miss them...rmb..u will always rock...keep on striving...i no u r under stress...but there will always be ppl supporting and loving u..
lots of love:)
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